The Tug-of-War With My Ego. Day 15.

Monday.

I am throwing day 15&16 together because they were shit. I woke up happy on day 15. I even had a cold shower for fun. Yes, I know I said, “for fun.” But having a cold shower is fun because it shocks you into childlike giggles. And seriously wakes you up and gets you ready for the day.

Monday’s are my chore days. I choose this day because everyone in the house has gone back to their prisons of work and school. And I get everything in order. I don’t hate chores like most people. I blast music out while I am doing them and dance around with the duster, or break into song with the nozzle of the hoover.

That all goes planned as usual. I feel my mood is starting to dip. Why is this happening? NO, NO, NO. I am not having this as there is no need for it. Stupid menopause. Or is it the menopause? I don’t even know. Come on Jen you know what to do. But before I know it I am having a tug of war with my ego.

That’s just bloody fantastic, my self doubting, piss on my parade ego has come back from its hole. I’d lay the welcome mat, but it wore out because of the number of times my ego has done a victory dance on it.

It has not come back and wrenched me into a crying sack of shit. No, it is like the school bully. The one who sits there in class glaring at you. The bully is glaring at you because the teacher is there, and it can’t get to you at that moment. But the bully makes sure you know they are going to get you when the time is right.

That is the position of my ego right now. It is taunting me. Na, Na Nana Na. The sane me is resisting slumping in the chair. The fighter in me is resisting the slalom that would have my mood spiralling out of control into depression. Maybe not depression but my face would look like I had sucked too many lemons.

I go to do things so I am not in the line of fire but the ego has used some marvel superpower trick on me. The superpower is invisible, and it is consuming me. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. It must be how Neo felt in the matrix when he touched the mirror, and the silver liquid devoured his body.

war
war

I feel the darkness take over the light in my body. I’d like to tell you I fought a good fight. But as I slump into the chair, I admit I had quit against the ego. As I lick my war wounds, I accept this is how it will be today. I decided to “Accept what is.” and “let it go.” I am not going to worry about it. Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Tuesday.

Was it fuck a better day?

I felt sad and wanted to give up on everything. Today the menopause has reared its ugly head. Let’s think carefully how to deal with the bitch known as the menopause. She will take you down to the black hole where hatred and anger are waiting to absorb you.

Do not step into that minefield. Careful now. This is a delicate situation. We are standing on a tight rope, and one wrong move will be the end of the world to a person with menopause.

I make a decision which I feel will deliver the best outcome. One foot in front of the other and I am getting into a bath. There we go. I will wash this sadness off me.

I had an induction to go to today for a job I was starting. I always thought I should have been an actress. Because when I went to it, I faked my way through. I was all smiles and jokes for the 2 hours I was there. Then I sat in my car in silence. The sun was shining, and I was not. I felt like a menopausal zombie.

My 50-day challenge popped into my head. “Do something nice for someone today.”
I looked around, and I thought for a while. What could I do? Who could I do something for? Shall I just drive home?

5,4,3,2,1 I phoned my Mother in law. “Hey, do you fancy making me a coffee?” Some of you may be thinking how is that doing something nice for someone? My Mother in law likes the odd bit of company. She has a very close relationship with her Son. So I thought I would visit and fill her in on everything we had been up to.

If she did not like me visiting, then the “good thing for someone.” would be successful when I left, and she got rid of me. So either way, it was a win-win on my challenge today. Even though I had 2 amazingly crappy days, I still made someone happy. I still got some stuff done. And triumphantly I did not cry for two days.

All in all that is a success.

I am not going to beat myself up for those two days because that would be a waste of time. And remember,

You might not be here in 10 months.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s