Scared Into Living. Day 8.

Today I start training in my new job. The job I got from using the 5,4,3,2,1 rule. My partner asked me if I was excited about starting. In all honesty, I wasn’t. I was not even nervous.

It had been a week since I had been doing the mindset reset, and this was the first morning I woke up tired. Why is that? I should be energised with excitement starting a new job, but I was not. I had a flat line of emotion towards it.

I started work at 8:30 a.m. and my morning routine that I had last week went out the window. I did not get up when my alarm went off I pressed the snooze button. I hadn’t written three things on a post-it note to be completed. I did not do a mindset reset. “Ok, ok, I’ll do it when I get back from work,” I confirmed with my ego.

I thought “I’ll be fine when I get started in the job.” The careers position is not my dream job, but who knows where this will lead. I have two teenagers who grow a lot, and apparently, it is my responsibility to keep them clothed. It would be cheaper if they’d agree to naturism. But they refuse, something about child abuse.

When I finished the first day of training, I was numb. There was a distinct reason for this numbness, but it took me all day to figure it out. After the training, I went straight to the shops, did the food shop and got lunch.
I sat in my car in the store car park in a daze. I didn’t put music on, which is a shocker for me. I always play music in the car. It is my own dance party time. And I think I can sing as good as Tina Turner when I am in the car.

Today it was silent. I took two teaspoons of my lunch, and I could not eat anymore. I had no appetite for anything. I just sat in the car, and I don’t know if I had any thoughts running through my mind. Everything was numb.

The wind rocking my car from side to side caught my attention, and I drove home, still in a daze. Tiredness kicked in when I got home. “Come on Jen, sort yourself out,” I told myself. I knew if I sat down it would put me in a slump.

5,4,3,2,1 I clicked on the 50-day confidence challenge. Today’s was, “tell three people why you appreciate them.” I chose my Daughter, my Son and my Partner.

grateful
grateful

 

The message to my son.
“You looked like you did not want to leave for school this morning. But I am very grateful I have a funny boy for my Son.”
He is a funny person. His reply “Groovy.”

The message to my Daughter.
” I am very grateful I have a daughter who cares so much about her appearance.” My Daughter spends a lot of time making sure she is the right shade of oak wood.
Her reply “Cringe.”

The message to my partner.
” I am very grateful you go out in this nasty weather to provide for us.
His reply “Awwww, I am like a damp possum.”
My partner provides for two children that are not biologically his, at a cost to his Thoracic outlet syndrome condition.

I started to feel better and then 5,4,3,2,1, I began writing. I carried on writing my journal to detail my experience with the mindset reset. My ego popped up and said “Why are you bothering? No one is interested in what you have to say.”
I stopped writing.
5,4,3,2,1 I carried on. I told my ego to be quiet because “I am writing the journal to see my progress. And if having the right mindset really can change your life?” I proceeded to write.

If I had listened to my ego injecting self-doubt, I would not have continued to write. I would have gone into a self-loathing mode because I did not do what I said I would do. Then I’d be an arse with other people.

I am so grateful for the technique 5,4,3,2,1. I got shit done on top of training and feeling numb. I pushed through it.

Why I Felt Numb.

aged-woman
aged woman

I met five wise people today, of a mature age. One of the ladies had a strong impact on me. I still can’t get her out of my mind. It was a wake-up call.
I realised the reason my path had led me to this was that the Universe needed to show me something.

In recent years I’d spent so much time procrastinating. Waiting for my purpose in life to show up and inspire me to act. I kick myself at the amount of time I have wasted.
I have experienced worry, fear and self-doubt, to name a few. I knew it was time to stop this destructive behaviour.

I am not going to waste my life away. I am changing that behaviour.

Then I met Fleur(not her real name.) Fleur is a tiny woman and is practically deaf.
Fleur keeps repeating the same sentences over and over.

“Please dear, I don’t want to be here anymore. I am so lonely. I am a burden to everyone. If I’d known this is how I would end up, I would have shot myself. I am so lonely. Please dear, I used to be a professional dancer. Please, dear, don’t you ever worry.”

“I wasted so much time worrying, and I don’t know why or what I even worried about. I am so lonely. Please, dear, don’t you ever worry. Oh, what I would do with the time I wasted if I could have it back. Look at me now, I am a burden. I am so lonely. I don’t know how I got here.” 

Fleur sits on her bed all day and night looking from her window at the traffic. She sleeps most of the time. Desperately waiting for the careers to come for the company, she begs you not to leave.

I don’t want to leave Fleur by herself, but I have another client to help.
Her words kept going round and round in my head. “I don’t know how I got here.”
That was hard to walk out the door.
Fleur is at the end of her life, and she has regrets. Regrets about wasting time. It is right in front of my face. The lesson I am supposed to learn.

The Lesson.

Why the hell do we sit and wallow in our self-pity? Moaning and complaining about everything. Are you going to sit on your arse and complain? Or are you going to get up and be accountable for everything you want your life to be?
Have you thought you might not be here next year? Just let that sink in.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR!

What are you going to do about your life? 5,4,3,2,1 I got in touch with someone about teaching. Working with children is what I’d be happier doing because I MIGHT NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR. 

It is that sentence that has scared me into living.

 

2 thoughts on “Scared Into Living. Day 8.

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