I have been thinking a lot about my life recently. How different it is, and how different I am. I miss the old me. The risk taker, the lover of life, the girl that did everything she wanted to do. The girl that worked hard and loved to do so.

My life used to be exciting, fun and fulfilled. Now I look at it and think “What the fluff happened?” I am now full of self-doubt, fear and self-loathing. My life does not seem to have panned out how I thought it would. I blame no one at all and never have except for myself.

I used to be one of those people who could turn a bad situation into a positive one. I’d work my ass off without even knowing it because everything was fun for me.
But recently I have failed. I am not enjoying life. There may be the odd high, but there are far too many lows.

The reason for this failure is because I haven’t put effort into my own life. I have made excuses. I am good at a lot of things and can’t decide what I should do with my life at 45 years old. I had hit a wall. And I hit the wall hard.

Everything I try seems like such an effort, and I procrastinate a stupid amount.
I am then on a trip to self-loathing. That is an ugly game to play. The result is I look and feel shit about myself, and I have done nothing productive to help myself.

So this cycle starts all over again. But you get to a point where you decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I am not living. I want to live every day and stop waiting to die.

What Scares Me?

Being on my deathbed and having regrets. That is a big fear of mine. What could I have done with all the time wasted? I can’t redo it and say “Hang on let me have another go, Ill fill my time better. I have things I want to achieve and fulfil.”
Oops too late now. The shot I gave life was half-arsed, and now it has gone. 

But was that fear enough to make me kick my arse into gear? Can you believe it? No.
That is madness. I am wasting so much of my life consumed now with self-loathing and pity and I am doing nothing about it? I had no focus or motivation.

I throw myself into some self-development, but I am numb to that too. I spent the day sulking and feeling sorry for myself. Patt my back, I have wasted even more time.
“Come on Universe help me,” I scream inside my head.

Then as if by magic my phoned pinged. I saw the name Neikka. A friend who I have never met. But I know from a personal development site we both used. My first thought was “How weird I was only thinking of Niekka a few days ago.” Then I remembered it is not weird at all as that is how the universe works.

Neikka sent a link to a youtube video called ‘The No.1 Habit Billionaires Run Daily.‘ Mel Robbins. Not Tony Robbins. Mel is a woman and no relation.
I loved how she delivered her content in the video. Very simple and I could relate to what she had to say. I watched more of her videos. I would highly recommend that you check out her stuff.

The first thing I decided to put into practice of Robbins was her 5-second rule.
Two reasons for this:

1. I was at the stage of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because I dreaded the day ahead. Robbins had experienced this. 
2. I had done the 5-second trick in the past without knowing. I’ve done it over and over in my life when living was fun. It wasn’t even a 5-second trick. I jumped at everything I could in life. I took every opportunity and experience. 

The 5-Second Rule

Instead of thinking about something you have to do, you count 54321 and do it. That stops you overthinking and talking yourself out of something. This something could be good or bad. You have now made a situation worse or you have missed an opportunity.
Well done!

Let’s say you have a debt to deal with.
You put off making the phone call that can sort the debt out. Time goes by, and the situation is getting worse. You continue to ignore the issue, hoping it will go away. It is affecting your sleep now. You know you should deal with the debt, but now too much time has passed. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. If only you had dealt with it straight away.

I have been there, and I did not learn my lesson straight away. It is a horrible cycle. Using the 5-second rule gets shit done, and you feel a whole lot better.

Here is how that goes.

You have the phone call to make about the debt. 54321 you pick up the phone and deal with it. You feel better for doing so. You now have a solution to sort it out. The 54321 did not give you time to talk yourself out of it. You didn’t overthink it.

I decided it is time to start living again. Be fearless, not fearful. Live on purpose and go to bed at the end of the day knowing I can do anything.
Knowing I am everything I need to be. To be happy to wake up and attack the day ahead of me with excitement. A fulfilled day, not a wasted one.

To make myself accountable, I decided to keep a 30-day journal. I wanted to look back and see exactly what happened when I took control.